Its been a while....

Wow, where does the time go? Its been a long time since I've blogged. Why? I loved to. Just lazy I guess.  That's not true either...I think I was running from God and what He wants for me, and what He was calling me towards.  I didn't like the answers I was getting, so I ran in the other direction.  I know we've all done it.  I shut out my church, my friends, and even my family to some extent. Why you may ask?  I really don't know....

I'm trying to figure out (once again!) who I am, what am I doing, and where am I going.  I hate feeling lost. But I do so badly right now.   My heart is just breaking.  I miss him dearly, or at least my heart does.  But my head, and my spirit knows it wasn't the right thing for me or my girls.  But that doesnt keep it from hurting.

Why do I consistantly choose the wrong men? Am I doomed to awful relationships? Why can't I seem to find the right one? I don't want to be alone. I want the whole package.  I want a man who loves God, cherishes me, and adores my babies.  I want the fairy tale.  Seen any princes on white horses lately?  I know that is not realistic...but after a 12 year horrible marriage, I think I deserve better.  Is it even possible? Is he out there? 

I honestly am scared to death of being alone. I don't like it at all. I was made to be a caregiver, I believe that. I am built to love someone.  I absolutely adore being with someone. But who?

I know you are all saying, "relax Libby, God has big plans for you, bigger and better things, just be patient"....well let me just say this, I SUCK at being patient.

Overflow

"May God our Father himself and our Master Jesus clear the road to you! And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you. May you be infused with strength and purity, filled with confidence in the presence of God our Father when our Master Jesus arrives with all his followers." 1 Thessalonians 3:11-13

This is my prayer this morning. May the master pour out so much love over me that it splashes over onto everyone I come in contact with.  Think of that for a minute really, isn't that an amazing thought???
And then to be infused with His strength, filled with His confidence....that is exactly what I need!!!
Amen and amen. It doesn't get any better than that!!

Short and sweet

The devil trying really hard to keep me from getting up in the mornings, let me just say that first. It almost worked this morning. So that makes me know that God is definitely looking to show me something in these mornings we spend together.  So I am really trying to patiently wait for it.

In my reading this morning in 1 Thessalonians 2, a verse popped off the page at me. I am taking it slightly out of context, but none the less it spoke to me.  Its verse # 12.....

"With each of you we were like a father with his child, holding your hand, whispering encouragement, showing you step-by-step how to live well before God, who called us into his own kingdom, into this delightful life."

This is exactly what I need right now.  A father who will pick me up into His lap, brush the hair out of my eyes, take me hand, tell me everything will be ok, show me how to take the next step.  That's why I am running after God's heart right now.  But the part that really struck me, was the last few words....into this delighful life.  Really? Delightful? Ok, let's remember, this is Paul talking here.  Think of all he went through.....delightful??

Over and over and over, I am reminding myself that no matter my circumstances on the outside, in the world....I am truly in a delighful place on the inside. Thank you Lord!!!

Let's get ready to ruuummmmbbblllleeee!!!

It's early! It's still dark outside!! BUT the house is quiet, and I can FOCUS and listen to God because there is nothing to distract me from hearing His voice.  This is exactly what I need to be doing. Even if it means going to bed each night at 9pm so I can drag my butt up, so be it. 

I'll have to say this all really started for me last night.  I tried to take a few minutes before falling asleep last night to just whole heartedly thank God for what I do have.  I am blessed! No matter how awful or alone I feel, I have many things to thank Him for. But you know how the flesh is....sometimes we would just prefer to wallow in our mess, rather than find a way out. It's easier to complain, that be happy with where we are. Anyways, I know good and well I have been hiding from God because no matter how much I say I want clear vision or clarity, I wasn't sure I was ready to hear what He had to say.  I wanted Him to agree with what I wanted.  Right?? So , I figured if I didn't ask Him, I wouldn't have to deal with the answer.  Funny right? Thinking I could run from God like that!!!! Anyways, I sat in my bed, determined to thank Him, and lay this fast and journey before Him, ask Him to bless it.  And of course you know me, I laid there balling my eyes out humbly before a God filled with the most amazing grace, tender mercy, and forgiving spirit. So much more than I could ever begin to deserve.

So this morning, I wasn't sure where I wanted to start reading. Something different, maybe something I haven't really looked at much before. And I think God lead me to 1 Thessalonians.   My bible is a NKJV version, I usually start there, and then head to www.biblegateway.com to try another version or two. If a passage jumps out at me in my bible, I like to see it a couple of different ways.  Not to try to make it say what I want it to say, but to be sure I get it.

The first chapter is really just a greeting from Paul to this group of people.  On first read, one little phrase popped right off the page at me in verse 4....."your election by God".  WOW!! He CHOOSE me for something very specific.  I was elected to a position, a very particular place.  Also, I was chosen by the Almighty Himself!! Holy moly! That's incredible if you really think about that.  He has a gazillion people to choose from, and He is the only vote, so He could pick anyone for this "job".....but He choose me.  That blows my mind this morning!!!

So I took that chapter, and jumped over to the web. I read it again in NLT and The Message, my 2 favs. And some other bits struck me in the Message.  Around the same verse, (4&5) but it hit me even harder this time.  Check out how the Message says it.....
"It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special. When the Message we preached came to you, it wasn't just words. Something happened in you. The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions."

He put HIS hand on little old me for something special.  At first I was like....special? really? this does not feel special!! I feel like I am in a rut!! But, maybe I am in a rut right now so that I can come out the other side stronger and more sure of who I am than ever before.  Maybe, just maybe, I had to be brought down a couple of notches before I could be built back up.

Then the passage only got better, it confirmed my focus for this fast even more, "The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions".  A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! That's exactly what I am looking for. I want to be so sure of me and my purpose, that nothing can shake it.  Nothing can distract me. Nothing can change my outlook. Nothing can get in my way.  I am determined to be who He has called me to be, worried only about what He says to me or about me.   The crazy part is I was there, in that place, about a year ago.  That's what upsets me so.  My marriage was a mess, I absolutely hated my job, I was super unhappy with my body.....but I was in a great place in my heart and mind. I was confident in who I was, and I knew that things were coming my way, that God had a plan.  But then I let life blur my view.  I let my circumstances dictate my vision. I let the devil throw me for a tail spin.  I let the devil convince me that God couldn't love me if He would let something like that happen to me.

Here's the thing though.....I know, even on my worst days, my most lonely horrible crying days....that being away from John and his wrath and anger is the best thing that could have ever happened for me, and the girls. We were being stifled, squashed, held back.  No matter how right with God I felt, there was no way I was going to be able to do all I was supposed to under his thumb.  I know that now.  It took some serious heartbreak, pain, and tears to get to this point.  Even some anger and frustration at a God that I felt had left me out to dry....BUT maybe, just maybe, that's why He brought me to such a great place a year ago.  He had to build me up sooooo much, because He knew this was going to be a breaking point for me.  God knew I would hide for a while....but He also knew if I was bold enough before it happened, that eventually I would be ok. After all the pain, and sadness, and misery, and anger, and breaking....He knew that I would eventually remember who I was and be able to come back to her, and Him.

WOW...that literally just blew my mind completely.  It's so hard to remember that God really does have all the steps laid out for us, and if we stop and look back for a minute we can see where they all link up, and are for our good.  Maybe each little piece doesn't seem like anything significant, or a small moment may seem like the worst time in our life.....but when all the pieces are put together, He has our best in mind all along.

I want it NOW!!!

Ok, so today in church something hit me like a ton of bricks!!! Pastor sort of touched on it, but then God dropped more on it into my spirit.  Pastor was talking about we always say to God "but I want it now" and His response is "I AM doing it now".  Well here is what I heard Him say to me loud and clear....I am doing it now, I have already put all the steps into motion to get you there, all you have to do LIBBY is agree to walk it out, bit by bit.

OUCH!!! Right??!!? I want instant gratification, not wait and see. LOL!!

But, He is right. I have to be willing to work the plan.  So here is where it starts for me.  A 2 week fast to get my heart lined up with His again.  I feel so distant from everything, Him included.  It's my own doing, and I know that. And honestly I am still ok with every part of the distance except from Him.  That was my mistake and I know that and I have asked His forgiveness for it.  I have got to stop worrying so much about what people think of me....and only worry what He thinks of me, and then from that knowledge I can begin to believe that of myself.  I am a strong, confident, secure woman of Christ....but she's been hiding somewhere lately.  It's time to put my foot down and take that territory back from the devil.  I am not defeated, my life is not over, and I will not feel like less of a woman simply because of my circumstances.

I have always been pretty open about my walk, and that is not stopping now. I have always believed that my story was meant to help someone else out there, so I won't stop being up front how about I feel, how I struggle, how I hurt and may cry, but how I laugh and survive, and how I am eventually victorious.  They all go hand in hand.  So I plan out putting out here my plan for getting myself back.  I don't say it to boost it me, or to even ask you to hold me accountable, I am just laying it out there as my journey, this is just me.  And honestly, writing helps me get to the root of things usually. I may start with a small tidbit, but by the end God has showed me something new and amazing!!

So, here is my plan....remember not boosting, not judging if you don't do anything like this, this is my personal plan to get my butt in line!!

First, up at 5am, reading, writing, praising and exercising before the girls are awake. Am I going to like it? Not at first, but eventually it will become a habit again and I will love it!! Trying to do any of those things while the girls are awake is near impossible!!! I need the quiet time.

Thing #2, No facebook for 2 weeks, then we'll see.  I have to stop worrying about everyone else so much.  I have talked about this some recently, but I am a perfectionist, and I can't stand not measuring up.  If I think someone else has it better or faster than me, it eats me up inside. So I just have to disconnect for a while.  After the 2 weeks, I'm not sure what I will do.  I did downgrade my phone today to an old school phone and text only (also saved me $30 a month, holla!!) I can't have that little red light blinkin' and callin' my name all day, begging me to see what's going on anymore.

Next, nothing but christian music for 2 weeks. (I broke that news to the girls today, that was fun!!) No more glee, katy perry, adele, or Star 104.3.  Nothing is wrong with secular music at all, I promise, I adore all music.  BUT, I have LET a lot of it poison my mind lately.  I find myself falling deeper in a depression or funk because so and so sang a song about it.  Or I can be mad about "this or that" because that pop star knows how I feel.  Plus, it will be good for the girls too.  Don't wonder why your teenager has a horrible attitude if all they listen to is the latest boy crazed pop diva whine all day!!

Then we get to the food part, it's time to bring this body into submission again. I've done it before and I can do it again. It's all about sacrifice!!!  So for me, that's no sodas, 1 cup of coffee in the am, no sugary sweets, no after dinner snacks, and no meat.  I just have to reel it in and FOCUS!! I think that's my new word lately, it seems to be popping up a lot lately for me...FOCUS!!!!  God does that to m occasionally, He gives me one word and it shows up everywhere I look!!!!

This 2 week fast for me is about focus and regaining my confidence in myself through Him!!!


Oh yeah, one other thing....I plan to start reading each morning in my bible, and this book I am working on called "The Resolution for Women".  I am going to try to blog each day about the reading and how it spoke to me.  (again, so I can think through it all, and hope it reaches out to that "someone")  Please feel free to read the passages along with me and comment. Let's start a conversation about His Word.  We can all talk about all kinds of things all over the place....how much better would it be to get into His Word together?  I'll say right up front I stink at reading like I should....but if I know someone is reading along with me, and expecting to talk about it too....it keeps me in check!!  Plus, I would love to hear what you have to say. Let me know that you are out there.

fresh outlook

I am trying to shake some things up in my life, make some changes, get my head on straight, focus!!  So I am considering cutting some things out completely.  I need to pull back, hunker down, and figure out this mess I call my life. 

I hate where I have been the last couple of weeks, that is not who I am. I am not this pitiful excuse for a woman, I am not depressed, I do not typically lack self confidence.  But I have been playing that girl for a while now, I am done with that.  I want to figure out how to be the confident, satisfied, happy person that I am supposed to be. I am "her" at work, there's no reason I can't be "her" everywhere else too. Right??

So here's my plan so far.....
I am going to disconnect a little from the "world", I think.  I am going to downgrade from my smartphone, to an old school phone.  No more jumping every time it beeps because someone had something to say on facebook.  No more running to see who the email is from. No more mindless apps to play while I wait anywhere.  I simply want a phone.  And I think I am going to take a serious break from facebook period.  I need to quit worrying what other people think of me, I don't care really.  I have to do what I think is right for me and my girls.  I am tired of going, "ok, so what does that mean really??" or "do they mean me?". In the big scheme of things, who cares!!! Plus, I am horrible at comparing my life to other people's life.  Oh so-and-so is so much better off than me,  their life is perfect, they have it all.  Again, who cares??? Well up to this point, I did, but that needs to stop.  I mean I had friends who called it crackbook, very true! So it's time to give up the habit. Seriously!!  It's just too much pressure for me at this point, I can't take it. 

Something I read lately was talking about women feelings like they always have to be perfect.  That is sooooo true for me.  I strive to be perfect, and it's unrealistic.  So on facebook, you only get a portion of what someone's life is like, so it "seems" perfect.  So then I drive myself nuts trying to figure out why MY life can't be like theirs.  Well the reason is....I am not them! That's not what is in store for me and my life right now. And I have to get ahold of that.  This is the season I am in whether I like it or not.  This is it.  Not that I am settling for it,  but I have to work through one thing before I can move to the next.

God has blessed me tremendously with my job, I absolutely love.  Right now, I need to focus on that. And give that blessing everything I have.  And completely soak it all in.  Because as a friend of mine said this morning, can you really handle more than one blessing at a time?? No, because if you tried to, it wouldn't seem as amazing as it is.  I have sooooo many new and incredible opportunities with this job, nothing like I have ever experienced before.  I get encouraged, and built up, and told I do a great job EVERY DAY!!!! That alone is amazing.  Who wouldn't love that right?? But it's so much more.  To feel appreciated, and esteemed, and needed.....its exactly what I needed in my life.  At least in one area.

So for now, I need to focus on that, live in that moment, take it all in.  And then let that feeling bleed over into the rest of my life.  I want to feel that way all the time! I want to carry that confidence and self esteem with me everywhere I go.  I don't want to go to the extreme and be a self centered jerk, that's not what I am saying.....but I want to know that I am incredible, and wanted, and needed.  I am special, and unique. My life may be upside down, but it's my life, and I am in this moment for a reason.  I may not know what it is yet, but it will come.  I have to believe in myself even when no one else does.

So, I will be blogging still, probably alot more, because this is where I think through my mess.  And my phone will still be active, and you can email me.....but I don't think I will be on facebook for a while. So text me if you need me :)

Happy New Year !!

As I sit here tonight, thinking back on 2011 and thinking forward on 2012....I'm just sort of stuck.  I know all the things of 2011 that I don't want to relive, and I am so glad are behind me,  But what do I want out of 2012?

God has been really trying to show me lately how to be happy in the moment.  Satisfied where I am.  But  that is SOOOOOOO incredibly hard for me.  I grew up being taught to always want more. To strive towards the next level. To always have goals that are just out of reach. To push myself further.  To always want to be first, and the best.  So the thought of having to be content with right now is killing me!

There are many things I am thankful for, honestly there is. And I should be happy with those.  But I'm just not, I want more.  I want the next thing. I want to move on. But what does that mean exactly.....

I don't really know yet.  I just know, it's NOT this.  I know that sounds horribly ungrateful, but I promise I am not.  It sounds depressed,  it's really not that either.  I am just in a state of discontent.  This isn't it.  This doesn't feel like the right place for me.  I can't put my finger on it yet....but I just know it's wrong.

So as I go into 2012 these are the things I do know....
I love my job, but I have to find a way to bring more money into this household by myself.
I love my girls, but I have to be more patient with them. I don't want to be "that" mom. But I can't begin to explain how hard it is on my own.
My car is making an awful noise.,....seriously, what next!!
My heart is still broken....not really because of the divorce, just in general.  I can't seem to put all the pieces back together no matter what I try.  I don't want to be broken.
I feel very distant from all my friends....and the strangest part is I don't know how to be any different. And not really sure that I am ready for anything else.
I don't want to wish my life away, but I would really like to have a remote so that I could fast forward just a little bit.

I am 100% ready for 2011 to be completely erased from the history books forever....but I really don't know what I want out of 2012 either.....simply discontent